Time to spill the drink.. I have a lot on my mind and what better way to let it out than blogging! First and foremost, this week has been awesome. I have gotten some very big news and it’s almost like a chapter is closing and another one opening right in front of me. It’s honestly quite scary. School was definitely a struggle for me as I didn’t know which direction I wanted to go and as graduation became more clear, so did my career. The more alone I feel, the more things become clear about what I am good at and where I want to take myself.
Things have come up that have really hurt me in the past couple weeks. Judgement is hard to swallow. I feel as if I preach so much about not caring about what others think but after living under my parents roof again, it’s hard not to think like them. I love them to death but the Indian mentality is quite frankly, naive and selfish and they really make you freak out about your future and make you think twice before you do anything because “the community is watching.”
I believe I have lived life the past few years as the strong, independent, loving and caring woman my parents taught me to be and I am not ashamed of anything or anything I’ve done.
I questioned myself this month about myself as a friend. Am I really a good friend? Am I really someone that others should want to get close to? It is something that seems like I’m over analyzing but it’s really not. I feel as I have many close friends.. it’s honestly hard not to call them my best friends because each one of them, I truly have such a special relationship with. There is, of course one that stands out and will always be my other half but there are many others who I could not see myself exist without. They make me the person I am today. They are the reason why I am standing today because without them, I would’ve been in shattered pieces after something I went through one year back. Yes, I kept myself together but they don’t realize that their support was my backbone and they are the reason why I kept looking towards the future and still am today.
Going back to being a good friend… It’s almost like a responsibility to me of being a good friend. I don’t want to sign up to be anyone’s friend anymore. I feel as if it is a responsibility and I have enough to take care of! This sounds very selfish for me to say but this is a blog and I do want to let things out. After going to California, it became clear to me that when I make friends and someone family, I mean every word I say. I will do everything in my power to protect and love them.
Last week, there was a situation and as I told my friend couple days ago, I feel as if I am being judged as a friend by this third person. Who is this person to tell my friend, I am not a good friend? A good friend is someone who stands by her friend whether she is making good or bad decisions for herself. A good friend is someone who accepts someone for the person they are and of course, tries their best to give them the advise or guidance they need WITHOUT crossing boundaries of their own. I am a very responsible person and live life trying my best to not make mistakes or have any regrets. I believe if my friend is sad, I want to be there to hold her through it rather than pulling her out of the darkness forcefully and demandingher to change her ways. My friends are all strong women and that is not a requirement! They are all truly the strongest people I know and each one of them has had their own hardships and obstacles they have had to cross. In this situation that happened, how can you blame me for anything? If someone is alone, then last thing they would need is for them to be even more alone! It was tough to see her in the darkness but I tried my ultimate best to be patient with her and let her go through all the emotions she felt. I didn’t agree with some of her actions including her love life but I TRUST my friend therefore let her be! I would be a horrible friend to not trust her. Lastly, I am not anyone’s mother nor want to be anytime soon!
Ahhh, I don’t even want to go on with this, it just makes me angry! I am proud of the friend I am and this blog is making me realize there is no doubt in that. I was ashamed for not agreeing with my friends choice in love but in the end, no one is in control of who they love. Life is tough and we all have different journeys. My own journey has been one for the books but I have my own route I took while others have their own. I am not a bad friend so this person that said that can… (insert strong, bold good-bye wish.)
Moving on, I feel like the big news this week is really making me scared, anxious about the future. It’s time to grow up and step into the real world and this will be my first step. I luckily have been working for a minute but getting this real job is like… turning a new page. I don’t know what this new page will bring but I know I must do it!
This summer, I also learned some things about myself when it comes to love. If you asked me a couple weeks ago, only my friends know how confused I was. Today things couldn’t be more clear. My friend and I watched Think Like a Man couple days ago and my thoughts of love and the previous and future prospects became clear. First and foremost, I do not want to hurt someone I’ve hurt before and to guarantee myself, I believe I should keep everything as friendly as can be :) I have well wishes for those in my past and for the future, I want to have nothing lingering in my heart and just 100% myself to give when the right man does come in my life. I am civil and friendly with everyone right now and that’s how I want it to be kept. As one of my guy friends said to me “I know you like drawing lines,” and I do.I draw lines to protect myself from liking someone and the risk of getting hurt. I draw lines to protect those I don’t want to hurt and not to get the wrong ideas when they try to come near me. There HAS to be a certain distance for opposite sex to stay friends and it takes effort to do so.
I’ve shown a vulnerable side of myself to two different guys. One who was my ex and another who is a best friend. Neither of them will read this so all I can say is that it takes guts to wear your heart on your sleeve and luckily they both didn’t hurt me as badly as they could. They both know that it takes YEARS to get to that point with me and they may or may not know that I quickly put my guard up to prevent all those emotions that I do not want to ever feel again. Basically, I’ve shown them a side of me that I protect from everyone else in the world. My ex proved that he knew me and loved me by helping me become strong before I let him go and my best friend, well I don’t know actually.
I respect everyone that’s in my life and I am truly a lucky womanto have each and every one of them in my life. I am BLESSED to have my friends and family. I wouldn’t trade anyone for anybody! Job- I am ready to take you on! Friends- I will always be here when you guys need me! Love- I have and will continue to keep my eye out! Life- bring it on! My goals are clear and looking at that bay bridge was an epiphany I needed badly! 2014, for some reason, you are the year I chose to make my dreams come true and I wake up every morning since I’ve been back to work towards them!